I Like Things in My Butt. Am I Gay?

Dear Dr. Annie,

I’ve been using various sex toys anally (in addition to digital penetration). I have always seen myself as a straight man, but now I’m afraid what this means for my sexuality. In the moment, I enjoy the sensation, but afterwards, I often feel shame, guilt, and/or confusion—especially if I’m using a dildo or anything that resembles a penis. Can you help?

Thanks,

A Scared (Straight?) Man

Dear Scared Straight,

It’s important to acknowledge that who we like to have sex with is different than how we like to have sex. Regardless of your gender or sexual identity, it’s natural and common to experience anal pleasure. After all, there are thousands of nerve endings in the anal region. Folks with a vagina can experience A-spot stimulation—a highly erotic pleasure spot along the vaginal wall that can be indirectly stimulated via the anus, and folks with a prostate can also experience prostate stimulation and orgasm via anal play.

Here are some questions for you to ponder: during solo sex, who do you imagine is at the end of that dildo? Who would you prefer to be at the end of that dildo? During partnered sex, who is wearing the strap-on? Who is providing the anal stimulation? Consider too folks with a vulva. Does everyone who enjoys getting their pussy eaten out a lesbian? Or bi/pan?

Based on the information you shared, there appears to be some deeper questions to address—questions related to potential homophobia and misogyny. Grappling with these issues doesn’t make you a bad person, per se. It’s critical work that many of us are confronted with while living in a patriarchal society that demands heteronormativity and punishes “queer” behavior. These systems primarily affect folks within the LGBTQIA+ community, but they also hurt straight and cisgender people as well. Too many folks are experiencing sexual shame or denying themselves pleasure because of queerphobia.

Addressing these issues will take some time, but I believe it is worth the effort—for your own well-being and the good of society overall. To begin this process, I recommend getting curious and asking yourself a series of interrogative questions. For instance, why am I afraid of being gay? Why am I afraid of the sexual implications of being penetrated? How do I feel about queer people? What do I think about people who are penetrated (including the people I sexually penetrate)? Is it time for me to changes my perspective about some things?

Ultimately, no singular sex act, behavior, or inclination cements our sexual identity. The only thing that defines your sexuality isn’t a thing at all: it’s you. And only you. When you stop feeling beholden to toxic systems, and when you stop giving your power away to other people and their perceptions of you, I believe you will have a better idea of who you are. And that person is worthy of pleasure—in whatever form that takes.