I Don’t Want to Have Sex. Is Something Wrong with Me?
Dear Dr. Annie,
I’m a woman who has been married to my best friend for 15 years. We have 3 kids all under 10. When I first met my husband, we were having really great sex. We even dabbled in some kink and it felt like I couldn’t get enough. I love my husband, but I don’t feel desire for him like I used to. I feel horrible about that. Like I’m a really bad person and partner. I know it probably sounds like an excuse, but I am so tired and stressed out all the time by just all the busyness of being a mom, employee, wife, etc. We have sex maybe once every few months and I dread it everytime. He’s stopped asking for it as much and I try to avoid it as much as possible. I’m just afraid that he’s going to get tired of this and cheat on me or the relationship is going to fail and my family is going to fall apart. I know that sounds dramatic! I feel like I know the answer is just to suck it up and give him what he wants, but it really is just hard for me when I feel like I have no energy and no libido.
Thanks for any help!
Sexless in South Carolina
Dear Sexless,
Thank you for your question. First off: you’re definitely not alone. Many women in long-term relationships, particularly mothers, experience a cooling of desire over time. There are many variables that can contribute to this. According to The Journal of Marriage and Family (2024), moms in heterosexual relationships take on 79% of daily jobs like cleaning and childcare—over twice as much as dads (37%). That’s before we talk about the emotional, psychological, and mental labor that moms disproportionately perform. The result of this imbalance is often fatigue, stress, and sometimes resentment towards the partner who is under-contributing. None of these things tend to foster a vibrant sexual drive.
Stress, in particular, triggers the release of cortisol, which suppresses sex hormones like estrogen, testosterone, and progesterone. To put it crassly, if we’re experiencing fight or flight, we’re not able to fuck. The dread you describe isn’t pathological; it’s primal. We weren’t meant to procreate when we’re feeling threatened or overwhelmed. And our bodies can’t really differentiate between a lion and a looming bin of laundry. If you believe that stress and overwhelm are contributing to your lack of desire, and if you recognize inequity in household labor, I recommend checking out the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky for practical tips on redistribution. Do it not just for your sex life but because you deserve some balance and equity in your life.
On that note, I believe it is important to address your motivation in addressing your “sexlessness.” I hear you expressing fear, and that’s understandable. I also think it’s important to point out that the biggest threat to a relationship is not a lack of sex (after all, plenty of ace folks enjoy healthy partnerships!), but a lack of communication. Avoiding the elephant in the bedroom isn’t doing you or your husband any favors.
I recommend that you both get curious about your reasons for wanting to have sex with each other, challenging any motivations that are rooted in fears and insecurities. “Have to” sex is never as fun or pleasurable as “want to” sex. And I want to be really clear here: there is never any reason to engage in have-to sex. You can still experience intimacy, companionship, and even sexual pleasure without engaging in compulsory, partnered sex. That goes for you and your partner.
Over the life course, allosexual folks will experience ebbs and flows in sexual desire. If we’re in a committed partnership, a part of that commitment is agreeing to ride out those waves together. We can check in with ourselves about our need for intimacy and pleasure, while checking in with our partner, collaborating to discover creative solutions to address those needs.
One last thing: research around women’s desire is woefully underdeveloped, but Come As You Are by Dr. Emily Nagoski is an excellent resource if you’re interested in better understanding what turns you on and what inhibits sexual desire. If you’re like many women, it’s likely that you experience responsive rather than spontaneous desire, which often requires effort and special attention.
It’s also important to discuss changes in sex drive with a trusted medical professional, in case there is an underlying medical condition present. This, however, tends to be rare. Just know that you’re not a bad person that needs to “suck it up” or a broken person who needs to be fixed. You’re a wife and a mom and an employee and a human being who deserves understanding.
Warmly,
Dr. Annie Snow
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Blog responses do not constitute a therapeutic relationship and do not serve as a substitute for therapy.